we carry each other because we've given up

Take my hand and take my heart, I shiver when you're near.

2010-09-22T01:00:00.000-07:00

(i posted this on violently/shy on Thursday, July 29, 2010 3:34 pm, but removed because i'm afraid of who's reading that blog and wanted to remember this entry and repost it here.)

Jared is this boy I'd only known a bit when I lived in Olympia. He was friends with all my closest friends there, but we had never had many encounters. At my going away party, we ended up outside talking for quite a while. I had been a mess that night, because I had just broken up with Dylan a few days before, and we were moving back to California, together. But Jared's company took my mind off of that for a bit. Even then, I remember really enjoying talking to him. He was nice, personable, considerate, and seemed very genuine. I had always thought him very beautiful, as well. But he had a girlfriend and I remember feeling guilty that night for cultivating a slight crush on him.

But we never talked after I moved. Not that I would've expected it. Our conversation, though pleasant and not entirely superficial, was only brief and still somewhat formal. But in June, I went back to Olympia. Since he's friends with all the people I went to visit, I ran into him.

One night, a bunch of us were at a friend's cabin for the night. Incidentally, he and I both ended up staying up later than most everyone else. We ended up talking a lot and then talking about music and listening to music together at a friend's computer. And then we kissed and things happened.

For some reason, he actually liked me. And a few weeks ago, he flew all the way to Los Angeles to spend 2 weeks with me. And it was the best. And I like him a lot and I feel like a school girl fostering her very first crush. Oh jeez.

A night at the park

He's a climber!

Wearing the shoes he found for me

At a Hindu shrine in Vegas on his 23rd birthday! He wanted to meet my mom, since my parents live in Vegas. My dad was in Brazil, unfortunately. Anyway, that pose was unintentional! I think I was clapping and it looks like I'm praying.

We went to the Shark Reef aquarium at Mandalay Bay! Jellyfish!!!

Pretty glowing boy.

Drinking Sapporros in front of the MGM Lion.

We went to Circus Circus! I played that game in which you just insert a quarter into a machine with a shit load of quarters, trying to push the other quarters off the edge of this tray. I got super lucky. A ribbon of 76 tickets!

We also played a lot of Super Nintendo. Mostly Super Mario World and Yoshi's Island.

On his last night here, we went to the park again and walked around and he found himself a branch.

Before I took him to the airport, we went to Cue! and took Japanese photobooth pictures.

>_<
We took this at Cirus Circus. We were both drunk and just very delirious and happy and we had the best time. We laughed a lot and then went back to my mom's house (my parents live in Vegas) and swam in the warm pool.

I'm going back to Olympia on August 3rd for 10 days to see him, again. Oh, god. I'm smitten. I feel way too optimistic and motivated and just happy, lately. It's been a while.

(I found this comment today (9/22/10 around 1:00 am from Greg, who's been kind of stalking me for the past few months, I guess)

Cruisin for a Bruised Heart

2009-11-13T02:07:00.000-08:00

i like this guy, but i know he's trouble. he's not bad, or anything. but he's anxious, an excessive drunk, an alcoholic (there's a difference. if you don't understand, then i don't care to explain, really.) bitter, funny, obsessive (he called me 30 times in the span of 2 hours one night, when he was drunk and wanted to go to the party i was at.) and totally clueless at times.

but he's adorable and he thinks i'm adorable and cool and smart. wow.
the first time i really talked to him, we were at barragan's for margrita wednesdays. i'd met him once, before, but only briefly. he was sitting at a table by himself, so i sat down and talked to him. we spent nearly the whole night talking and he even ended up coming back with us to steve's to hang out some more. we walked 10 minutes to and from cvs to get beer and talked a lot, and i was surprised, since i only really just met him. in the morning, i woke up on the couch and he was lying on the couch across from me, awake, because he had taken pure ecstasy. then we went to the store and he got cigarettes, gummy worms and more beer. i never thought i'd like him. it just somehow ended up like this.

violently shy

2009-11-02T19:29:00.001-08:00

at a party, a complete mess. i'd kept my stomach virtually empty during the day to ensure better alcohol absorption. however, that always entails misery and stupidity. it's something i always learn the next morning, but also something i choose to ignore when i'm drinking to forget.

in the bathroom, near the end, and i've been gone for hours. my friend had let me use the bathroom in her bedroom, so i wouldn't be seen, and so i wouldn't be in the way of the other party goers who'd need to use the public bathroom.

i've been forcing myself to throw up, because i can already feel the nausea sneaking up. i rarely get to the point of involuntary vomiting. i'd rather force myself and be in control and remember, instead of falling over myself, looking for a bush, and then waking up confused to my sister bringing a bucket for me, my friend shoving napkins into my hands, and another trying to pour 7-up into my mouth. so, i usually force myself to throw up when i start feeling unsteady, so i'm still in control and not being an asshole to my loved ones.

someone opens the door. the boy i came to the party with.

"i've been looking for you for forever."
"ugh, i don't want you to see me like this."
"i don't care! you know i don't! you've watched me throw up dozens of times and you' ve taken care of me numerous times."
"it's just not ladylike," i say, gripping the side of the toilet, noticing a rip in my tights, and furrowing my eyebrows from the disappointment.
"you're always classy, lady."
he sits next to me and brushes my hair back for me. i'm thankful i've flushed the toilet, and have only thrown up clear liquid, so it looks as if there is only some foam in the bowl.

he gives me a weird look. a surprised, confused look. i panic.
"why are you looking at me like that? i told you i didn't want you to see me. i'm all splotchy and wobbly!" i say and let myself lean towards the bathtub and i grab the shower curtain to hide my face in. he catches me before i lose my balance and fall into the tub itself.

"no, no. hey. no, i was just realizing how beautiful your eyes look after you've been throwing up."
"no. my make up is smeared and i've been crying because throwing up makes me."
"they're sparkly and clean," he says, and with that, he takes my face and kisses me on the lips.

the boys i want will always be the kinds to kiss me even after i've just thrown up. it's not disgusting. it's adoration.

the boys who kiss me after i throw up

2009-10-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

and not just boys who are just too drunk to care and/or don't know i've thrown up. boys who are taking care of me while i'm throwing up and when i tell them, "i just threw up" and they say, "i don't care" and look me in the eye and hold my face to theirs and kiss me.

i tend to fall for these guys. i find out they're these boys after i fall for them, too. so it's not like i'm all, "oh, he kissed me even after yucky stuff. i like him, now." it's genuine!

balled up in your bed sheets

2009-10-28T19:56:00.000-07:00

a few nights ago, i was hanging out with a few male acquaintances of mine. i went to high school with all of them, and two of them had been in my class. it was all sort of awkward, but i was quite good friends with the one who was older than all of us. they wanted to watch "where the wild things are" at the arclight theater. i wanted to watch that movie, but i had wanted to watch it with my sister, dotty, first. it would've just been really awkward to watch it with these people i am barely friends with. here are the reasons why:

-i don't know them well. i hate watching movies with people i don't know.
-they are all boys. and i'm not attracted to any of them, but god, sometimes girls and boys just don't mix in these situations.
-it was a movie i had set my heart on watching with dotty first and foremost, and it just felt wrong that i would be watching something so intimate with these boys.
-i know i would cry and it would just be awkward or i'd have to supress my tears. i'm a cryer. god damn, i am a crybaby. but i don't feel like my tears are ever in vain. i don't cry when i feel sorry for myself (because FUCK FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. I HATE SELF PITY.) i don't cry when i don't get what i want. i don't cry when a boy doesn't like me back (if he didn't like me in the first place. a boy falling out of love with me is a different thing.) i cry out of sentiment and reminders of mortality and innocence and change and "love." i don't know. but i didn't want to cry in front of them, with them, by them. i wanted to sit in a theater with dotty and cry at the same things and sigh deep and just not suppress anything.

so i opted out and walked around a bit and dotty picked me up and we went to earl's house for a bit and i drank whiskey.
but i was so relieved to not be watching the movie with them. i kind of dropped out last minute, too. we were in line and i was debating with myself the whole time. finally, one of them said that there were only 4 seats together at the very top in the back in a corner. i did not want to pay $14 dollars for such a thing, along with the whole situation i'd be stuck in, so i told them i'd meet up with them later. whew!

i nearly ran out of the lobby and had a cigarette and dotty picked me up 10 minutes later.

the next morning, i realized i lost my pink coin purse with a $100 bill in it. i was so sad. i kept telling myself that it wasn't a big deal and that other shittier things would happen and i just imagined myself old and knowing that it wouldn't even matter to me. still, though. it's not the money lost that i'm upset about. it's the irresponsibility that i foster at times that kills me.

today, after finding out i truly lost my coin purse with $100 (dotty checked earl's house and said it wasn't there) i got so bummed that i let myself binge. however, i ended up eating just a really healthy and boring sandwich. and not because i was trying to keep my binge under control, but i was too bummed to even truly binge on something like junk food or sweets. LAME.

you fucked up and now you're so far gone

2009-09-09T17:31:00.000-07:00

i want you to realize that we're good as friends, at least.

tonight, i got drunk and went grocery shopping. stepping out of the store, with a bouquet of artificially dyed blue flowers in one hand, and a box of saltine crackers cradled in my arm, i struggled to light my cigarette and started crying when i realized that i am not who i want to be. i lit my cigarette anyway and glared the dumb 15 year old gawking at me.

crystal bullet ants

2009-07-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

after that post below, i had some of the best times of my life. i miss him and just want him to get better. i was really in love and that was insane to me. he opened me up. i'm not so shy anymore. i miss that sometimes, but i know i've grown a lot because i've become less quiet. i did things like speak up in class, make new friends, be completely naked, flash an empty baseball field on my balcony. things that sound simple and like nothing, but they signified so much. i took shrooms and rolled around with him on the floor. took acid and saw beautiful colors and patterns and bubbles and fell in love with him and never fell out. i still feel painfully connected to him, and just wish that human tendencies hadn't taken over. i know people fall out of love. i know people grow old of each other. we become less beautiful, more annoying, less interesting... i accept that, but i don't like it.
as much as i want to be rational and hopeful, i feel like i can never fall in love with anyone the way i did him. i was young, everything was new, and everything was too amazing.

LIARS and NO AGE

2008-01-30T11:52:00.000-08:00

last night:
underestimated my alcohol tolerance
held hands with the boy i like
danced with him
felt nostalgic during no age
dizzy
kiss
lost $20
felt happy